Saturday, November 30, 2013

suatu ketika dahulu



Ini aku suatu ketika dahulu,
sewaktu jiwa masih ampuh,
masih tiada hala tuju,
menjadi sang robot, 
dengan menyangka hidup ini untuk hidup sahaja,
aku jahil,
aku tidak tahu menahu tentang pembinaan individu muslimun itu.





















dan ini aku sekarang,
berbekalkan jiwa yang semakin stabil,
cuba berdiri walaupun kadangkala rebah,
tersungkur sujud kebumi,
tapi aku sudah bukan sang robot,
aku sudah keluar dari belenggu kejahilan,
kini aku sedar betapa penting pembinaan manusiawi itu,
aku cuba berdiri gah, 
sebagai hamba Allah,
sebagai abid Allah,
sebagai seorang individu muslim.


#memoriKTT
#awaltarbiyyah

reflections














Dear little one, 

Quench the thirst as much as you can,
as long as you can, 

Just now,
You were still drinking milk from mummy,

And now,
You are using your own tiny limbs,
just to grab a drink of water.

#nadineimanirauhillah
#reflectingmychildhood


arjuna dan juwita

Hati terasa begitu kosong, hidup terasa seperti zombie, itulah perasaanya semalam. Sambil menghela nafas panjang, lantas meng'whatsapp' adik,

'akak dah tunggu awak dibawah'
'okay'

balasnya sepatah lantas adik itu pun turun, dan kami terus bergandingan ke pantai. Sambil-sambil bertukar-tukar khabar sebab dah lama tak bersua, alasannya, masing-masing menghadapai musim peperiksaan, akhirnya, sudah nampak kelibat pantainya, indah subhanaAllah.

Terus kami menuju ke arah nafak(terowong) dan menyeberangi jalan dengan melalui nafak tersebut sehingga kami betul-betul bertentangan dengan laut dan angin menampar-nampar muka kami.

Lantas dari perbualan rancak, terus terdiam, tenang melihatkan alam.

Ruh segera menyahut seruan alam, tamparan angin, pukulan ombat di lautan dan manusiawi lalu lalang, mencukupkan segalanya pada hari itu,

'kita nak duduk mana dik'
'tak kisah kak'

Lalu kami menyelusuri tempat pejalan kaki sambil disambut deruan angin yang kencang dan dingin menandakan musim sejuk masih malu-malu untuk terus memberkahi mesir ini.

akhirnya, kami pitstop di tembok dan kami meneruskan perbualan, although i felt as if i kept quiet more than i do,

'awak tahu tak, akk tengah rasa diri akk bagaikan langit, yang luas terbentang namun tiada penghujung.Ada baik dan ada buruk pada perasaan itu, baiknya, sebab akk meluaskan jiwa akk untuk terima semua benda, tapi buruknya, akk rasa seperti tidak menuju kemana-mana, sebab perasaan itu terlalu terasa luas tanpa ada pemfokusan.'

'apa matlamat awak dik,' melihatkan dia hanya mendengar, diam seribu bahasa, aku terus menyambung dengan persoalan,

'i want to be human'

' i do not want to go with the flow, because i just want to be someone useful' gumamnya perlahan.

aku tunduk.

benar kata adik itu yang seorang, hidup ini berhadaf, kalau betul ghayah nya Allah, kenapa goyah dipertengahan?

tanpa sedar, adik itu menyedarkan aku cara memberi pemfokusan, yakni menjadi manusia yang berguna,

do not simply go with the flow!

kenapa aku boleh rasa lalut dipertengahan kerja dakwah yang mekar, adalah kerana aku terlupa matlamat asal, lantas go with the flow melulu itu tak boleh!

selagi matlamatnya belum ditajdidkan, jangan lagi go with the flow, once dah tune mindset, dah refresh niat, then baru carry on life.

Akhirnya, kami melihatkan matahari terbenam, membenamkan diri serta melelapkan cahayanya dari seluruh alam,

terbenam bersama perasaan ku yang gelisah, membawa pergi segala keegoan, negatif mindset dan meleburkan perasaan malas berfikir.

seusai azan, kami menuju, menyeberangi nafak, untuk menumpang solat di masjid, untuk kembali kepada tuhan kami, Allah.

aku berasa lega,
pertemuan dengan laut,
menenangkan fikiran sepertimana,
Sang kekasih yang memujuk cinta hatinya,

Terima kasih Allah.





Tuesday, November 26, 2013

Ana musy arif zayy keda

To me, arab was such a hard language to conquer. I could not, and did not know how to motivate myself to even get involved by this language itself.

At that time, I just couldn't bring together arab language, and the language used in the al quran were just the same!

Until I reached here, in Egypt.

I was so excited to the fact that after this, I might not need to use the translation upon listening to an ayat recited.

Yeay!

So once I reached here, and settled down and realised one thing.

why on earth are these arabs talking a mixed language?

instead of ana azhabu ilal madrasah
they were saying ana bitruh ilal madrasah
(the sentence above bothe means i want to go to school)

so it was bitruh, not azhabu

then ana uridu bikilo thaum wa jazar
they would say ana aizah tum wa gazar bikilo
(the sentence above means i want to have a kilo of garlic and carrots.

so now, it was aizah instead of uridu, tum istead of thaum, gazar instead of gazar.

pelik sangat waktu tu, tapi I acknowledged it as loghat egypt mungkin, macam kita ada bahasa kelate, nogori, teghengganu so its them with ammiya.

Now one day, I was in an arabic class, its a class where we learn arab fushah, which is the proper original arab language, when in one incident I accidentally used ammiya language,

"ustazah, ana muta akhiran awi, maalisy, ana ala sharie, lakin zahmah awi!"
(ustazah, I am so late, I'm sorry, I was already on the streets but it there was a traffic jam!)

my teacher kept quiet at first and then she said in a low tone,

"aqeelah, la yujad awi, la yujad maalisy, la yujad sharie, la yujad zahmah, kullu ammiya, limaza?"

and she explained further,

" ammiya language was a language created by the kuffar. kononnya bahasa ammiya ni di katakan untuk memudahkan bicara, menyenangkan sebutan, tapi hakikatnya ia menjauhkan kita dari bahasa arab fushah,  even an arab cannot understand proper arab, worse, it furthers us from the Al Quran, not only do they not know arab, but they also find it hard to read the Al quran,this is their war on us muslim, ghazwul fikr!"

Allah :'(

i was stunned to know that.

hakikatnya, memang bahasa ammiya mudah, dan kadang, terkuasai ammiya instead of fusahah sebab ammiya mudah, digunakan by the people here.

Termuhasabah.

Begitulah serangan dari arah yang tak disangka-sangka, dan tidak diketahui.





pause

sometimes, I write for the sake of writing,

and sometimes,

I tend usrah for the sake of usrah.


Keep holding on.

Monday, November 25, 2013

sampai bila, bila nak sampai?

sampai bila,
kita nak jadi,

seperti pahat dan penukul,
sekali diketuk, baru tembus,

apabila mendengarkan peringatan,
baru terhegeh-hegeh nak beringat,

apabila membacakan status da'wi,
baru sibuk-sibuk nak;
 like,
 share,
buat status baru juga,

apabila melihatkan orang meluru berbuat kebaikan,
baru terburu-buru nak buat amal ibadah melangut juga,

apabila orang score dalam exam,
baru nak buat jadual belajar,

apabila orang tutup aurat dulu,
baru tersedar nak ikut syariat juga,

apabila keluar sana sini demi tuntutan da'wi,
baru kita terkocoh-kocoh menyahut seruan syahadatul haq itu,

sampai bila?

sampai bila,
ada orang buat,
baru nak buat juga,

sampai bila?

sampai bila,
orang memberi kekuatan,
baru nak rasa diperkuatkan,

sampai bila?

sampai bila, nak jadi,
seperti pahat dan penukul,

sampai bila?

sampai orang LAIN dahulu yang temui syahid ke?


T-T

p/s its 25th of nov, a month to go for the new year to come
p/s/s upon reaching the age of 23 and still wondering what contribution I have given to the ummah

Thursday, November 21, 2013

flashes

when words cannot describe,
when pictures just doesn't portray,

then its not the words that are needed,
nor the pictures that aren't able to picture the message,

bahagia.

susunan ayat mungkin tidak mampu mencapai erti kebahagiaan sebenarnya,
mahupun rajah yang  sepatutnya menunjukkan kebahagiaan juga tak mampu menjadi kayu ukur bahagia.

Biarlah dia bahagia, kita mendoakan dia,
Biarlah mereka bahagia, kita mendoakan mereka,
berbahagialah dengan apa yang ada,

kerana kita takkan rasa kebahagiaan kalau kita yang tak nak rasakannya.

cuba menjadi insan bahagia


Sunday, November 17, 2013

Hujan itu pasti, mati itu mesti




allahumma saiban nafi'an

allah yang menurunkan hujan, rahmatilah kami dengan hujanmu!

Dulu, i used to chant some nursery rhyme i learnt in reception,
It went like this,

Rain, rain go away 
Come again another day.

Halt.

Go away?
Why on earth would we want the rain to go? 

Hujan itu rahmat buat seluruh alam, 

Buat pokok-pokok
Buat manusia manusia
Buat haiwan haiwan

Jadi, mana mungkin kita minta pula untuk diberhentikan hujan.

In Alexandria,
Hujan tanda perubahan musim,

From summer to winter.

Indeed, alam juga perlukan perubahan, inikan manusia, memang perlukan penghijrahan.

Kini sudah meniti hari ke dua belas dalam bulan muharram, menandakan sudah hampir cecah setengah bulan dalam tahun baru dalam kalender islam. 

1435

Banyak benda yang nak diresolusikan untuk hijrah kali ini, tapi Allah sediakan diri ini lebih awal dan dari banyak tragedi yang tidak disangka-sangka. Jadi, after readjusting, kini cuba untuk merealisasikan penghijrahan itu.

The chant of rain should supposedly be, 

Rain, rain alhamdulillah
You come from Allah, and you return to Allah .






Ghuraba thaniah.


roses

me : do you have a blog?
A: ada ke orang ada blog sekarang?
me: *speechless*

Its hard to explain,

I still blog, though once I while, I still do, and I like doing it,
I still keep a diary with me, maybe I do not write everything daily, but I still do.

Its hard to explain,
Because writing here, jus makes me feel, satisfied.

I do not mind, either that I have less than 10 viewers or maybe none,
because I know that my blog is always viewed by Him and the Angels.

Compared to updating statuses,
or twittering way,
or even instagram-ing,
tumblr-ing,
and many more,

I still think, I need to keep blogging.
Indeed I do.

Its not about viewers, or likers, or commenters.
Its something unexplainable,
because you have got to do it to understand it.

Like doing da'wah,
you wouldn't totally understand and know how it feels unless you start doing it.

So which ever you prefer,
its up to you,
to choose.





berubahlah kepada perubahan

aku lihat,
aku scroll up and down,
dan kembali melihatkan blog,
yang masih segan hidup mati tak mahu ini.

sudah punah pengunaan bahasa inggeris ini,
grammar entah ke mana, vocabs makin lemau,
structure ayat tak menarik etc etc etc,
and feeling gloomy because of that,

due to the habit of reading then less than 10 books in a year,
and rarely conversing in english,
thus the language doesn't stay inside me,
its vague now,
almost turning into a permanent loss,

mungkin begitulah juga hati,
apabila tidak membaca al quran,
dengan constant,
maka hati itu mengeras tanpa sedar,

namun,
berbekalkan rahmat Allah,
dengan sensitivity iman yang berbaki,
masih boleh kita merangkak dalam lemah,
mencari Dia,
mengislah diri.

terkilan dengan diri.

Saturday, November 16, 2013

Penuhilah seruan ilahi!



Jumu'ah barakah,

Look at the picture thoroughly,
It actually shows us,
Beberapa saff ketika solat jumaat tadi.

In egypt,
People just pray anywhere, 
Because dimana-mana sahaja, semuanya bumi Allah.

In Egypt, azan overlaps,
Because, dimana-mana, semuanya mahu jumpa Allah.

In Egypt, doa serta harapan sering diucapkan,
because, dimana-mana, semuanya mahu keredhaanNya

In Egypt, hampir every corner ada masjid,
Because dimana- mana, semuanya memudahkan mereka mendekati Pencipta

Namun, tidaklah seindah tulisan ini, keadaan di egypt,

Diceritakan oleh anak usrah pada petang tadi,

Pasca revolution thaniah(kedua) ini,
Ada antara mereka yang merasakan islam itu adalah,
keturunan, adat, ikutan semata

Lalu merasakan revolusi itu adalah keluar dari belenggu tribulasi dan mehnah
Dan ada yang tidak ingin kepada pemerintahan syari'e
Dan ada yang merasakan tidak perlu kepada aurat ataupun batasan
Cukuplah mengaku adanya Allah dan mengatakan 'keimanan' dalam hati sahaja

Tapi Allah dah ingatkan kembali kita, dalam surah al ankabut, ayat kedua, adakah manusia merasakan dengan hanya dengan mengucapkan 'aku beriman', maka kita tidak akan diuji?

Oleh itu, kita yang kena ada tanamkan niat untuk men'tune'kan mentality kita dan people around us,kena aware, 

what is islam,
what is faith.

Menukarkan mindset mereka yang merasakan Islam itu cultural  to islam itu way of life instead.

Dan disini, moga rakyat yang sanggup mati syahid berjuang untuk agama Allah ini, maka Allah akan ganjari setimpal.

Firdaus.

Tidak semua yang buruk di sini, menggambarkan mesir secara holistik
Tidak semua yang baik di sini, juga menggambarkan mesir secara holistik jua.

Dalam al quran lagi, ada ayat yang allah berfirman, masuklah ke negeri mesir dalam keadaan aman, 

Jadi, even Allah mention dalam quran, yang mesir ini adalah negeri yang aman dan tenang.

If to be told, 
Cerita mesir, masih mengkagumkan diri, bahawa, disini masih ada islam, walaupun secebis, sbab allah pelihara agamaNya.

AlHaq, tidak akan kalah pada batil, no matter what!


Unplanned morning

 A glimpse of the mediterranean sea,
Along with the big bulky rocks,

Having breakfast of nasi lemak, 
While the People were having a jog or breeze walking,
Wih Cats playing and jumping around,
Being uninvited visitors to our rendezvous,

The sound of ;
Wind blowing,
Waves wrecking,

The sun peeping out sheepishly, shining the whole of Alexandria,
The world was shadowed by the velvety clouds,

The one moment i forgot to say alhamdulillah, to the one who created such beauty.

alhamdulillah thum alhamdulillah.

11 muharram 1435

I am someone who easily gets jealous with other peoples happiness.
Now i know, thats bad enough aint it?

Sangkaan dan self non satisfaction,

Apabila orang ada anak usrah yang happening, i get jealous and feels as if my anak usrah is not as happening as that.

Apabila orang boleh bagi taujihat kaw kaw, i get jealous and feel as if i give taujihat lemau segantang

Apabila orang pakai baju jubah lawa, or blouse labuh labuh lawa, I get jealous, blame myself why im a plus size and feels as if i myself is wreckless in style

Apabila ada orang memang boleh in dengan segenap jenis manusia, i get jealous and think that i dont know how to mingle with others and as if i cannot be a whole rounded muslim

Apabila orang selalu on a vacation with their family, i get jealous and ponders back at my own family, where we rarely get to gather due to us studying abroad

Apabila ada kawan yang sudah pun kahwin, bakal atau sudah pun menimang cahaya mata, i get jealous of them finding their perfect match and about to have kids of their own.

All in all, i could rant all day, but i found a pattern already in my complaint, i always feel that, the grass on the other side is ALWAYS greener.

Sentiasalah orang lain lebih baik dari kita, dan semua yang kita semua buruk.

My mum, said, i was always unhappy of myself since i was small, and i was taken aback by my ummi's statement.

Qalilan ma tashkurun, hanya sedikit sahaja dari kalian yang bersyukur.

Dan andai i get indulged in this non satisfactory, maka i will never be among the sedikit.

Allahu shakur!

Belajarlah untuk bersyukur, belajarlah untuk menerima diri kamu seadanya, belajarlah untuk menjadi positif, belajarlah memotivasikan orang, dan mencari potensi diri.

Belajarlah, kerana sewaktu nabi adam diciptakan, he was also clueless, up until, Allah taught him the things he was suppose to know until he became knowleadgable.

Jadi nabi adam juga belajar, dan saya juga harus memilih untuk terus belajar.

Belajar tentang erti kehidupan yang tidak pernah ada dalam lampiran buku, belajar tentang erti hidup adalah pada memberi, khusus kepada diri saya yang biasanya berada di pihak yang sentiasa menerima, belajar untuk terus fastabiqul khairat, belajar meletakkan sangkaan baik untuk sesiapa sahaja yang ditemui.

A few days back, i found my first buku usrah, it was on 6th of shaaban 1431. So imagine that, i have been having usrah for the past 4 years, and im still having this old cranky side of mine, which obviously shows, that we are humans not robots!

Sometimes, i just need to sit back and look ahead and the past, 

Bersyukur ada ummi dan abah, yang sentiasa menjaga kami sekeluarga,

Bersyukur kerana ada siblings to turn to when we are feeling really sad,

Bersyukur untuk rasa syukur itu sendiri, kepada yang maha pencipta syukur.

I sometimes worry about my progress in tarbiyyah, either directly proportional or merudum,

Masih bisa mencari kekuatan untuk cuba berdiri utuh dan berjalan menujuNya.

Reassuring, readjusting and readapting. 

Breathe in, and breathe out, enough for now, moga kerana Allah, jari jemariku menekan keyboard untuk terus menulis, dan ada manfaat bersama.

Dan ingin menyelit, sedikit nukilan yang diilhamkan oleh Allah,

Why did it take so long to realise,
To know what is right and what is so wrong,
A guy and a girl shouldnt easily get along,
Why did it take so long to realise.

Since when did love become a game,
Phrasing love sentences and sounding so lame,
Holding hands and putting us muslims in shame,
Since when, again, did love become a game.

Because Allah, is our majesty,
Should we put into our hearts, pure love and honesty,
To him the one and only,
To Allah, he is our majesty.





Wednesday, November 6, 2013

Bintang-bintang syurga

*blowing the dirt off the dusty blog*

Hari ini, tarikhnya cantik.

1 Muharram 1435.

Hijrah.

Since I reached Alexandria a few weeks ago, its been extraordinarily quiet. Which some of the big reasons was because some of the people who I love fillah, decided to return back to malaysia.

To be brief for those who don't understand, because of the recent riots happening in Egypt,since its the second wave, people have been worried ever since, thus, the ministry of education decided to give alternatives to students in egypt, to study elsewhere.

And they chose malaysia.

I came in 2011, knowing nothing about Egypt let alone Alexandria, and only letting Allah plan my way.

Kemudian, 7 Zulhijjah dipertemukan dalam usrah yang pertama di beyt ulfah, dengan mereka. Mereka yang banyak mengajar erti kehidupan, persahabatan, percintaan.

Bermurobbikan dia yang memahamkan kembali tentang tarbiyyah dan dakwah ini.

Setahun bersama mereka, suka dan duka, gembira dan terluka, semua ada, you name it.

Sambil menyelak-menyelak buku usrah pertama di sini, bertemankan lagu bintang syurga, sungguh aku rindu mereka,

Bintang syurga yang di rindukan,
datang-datanglah wahai syahid
dambaan mujahid,
aku relakan sakit yang sedikit.

Sakit, yang bukanlah physically hurt, but emotionally hurt, really hurts. Its painful because it hurts inside.

It hurts even though you put on a smile
It hurts even though you are surrounded with people who love you
It hurts even though you know, that life must go on

The hole in the heart, rupa-rupanya sedikit sebanyak menyedarkan, adakah aku selama ini, bersandarkan kekuatan pada mereka juga?

astaghfirullah :'(

sewaktu usrah pertama, kami bertadhabbur surah annisa, dari ayat 66-77

dan pada ayat 77, di mana ayat itu mengatakan, Allah perintahkan untuk pergi perang, dan ada di antaranya yang minta untuk tundakan kewajipan itu, lalu Allah pujuk lagi di akhir ayat yang panjang itu dengan mengatakan kesenangan di dunia hanya sedikit berbanding kesenangan di akhirat untuk mereka yang bertaqwa,

jadi ada yang memberi khatirah, kita kenalah redha dengan aturan Allah, berperang-perang yang berterusan dengan diri sendiri,

check balik,

Kenapa datang mesir? kalau sebab Dia, then why complain?

Allah adalah sebaik-baik pengatur dan everything He does is for a reason.

And its true,

after two years together, even though apart, it doesn't mean, i'm doomed, or i cannot live.

To zakiyya, mabrouk alf, you are now a wife and a mother to be, even though you are still here, I rarely see you, since we are in different departments, take care and remember to not get hyper active since you dah berbadan dua ;)

The one who is the mature of them all, the first who decided to stay in a Rumah Islam, the one who always gave boosters during Arab classes, the one who laughs at my lame jokes.

To Atiqah, I know you are strong, even though, you are mesir-sick, I know that you are rational in making decisions,keep holding on, the jaulah together made me realised, that Allah wanted me to spend time with you thoroughly before you left :'(

The one who was my room mate, having pillow talks together, motherly in some ways ( I still love the part that you always let me bully you and yet it did not bother you), always giving positive remarks at time I felt bad and useless and hugged tight.

To Diyanah, the one that I least expected to be close with, ending up, loving you dearly from not liking you so much :P, the sudden photoshoot that I wanted to take after examinations was surely a gift from Allah, wanting me to spend time with you together, knowing that i would not see you in future, here in Alexandria.

The one who always help me out in cooking, listening to my babbles, continuously being my usrah mate since the past two years, soft spoken in all ways, yet always falling ill and at times, I didnt entirely manage to care for you. Acting goofy together and always on secret runaways together, going to Cairo together, being you and always frank when speaking to me.

I love you guys dearly and even though, I am still managing my emotions and the accepting the reality that you are not around me literally,

I still know, that when I read this post back, at that time, I can manage to put on a smile and be grateful that I was so blessed to have the love with you guys and you made me feel contented her in Alexandria, that you taught me a lot and were my strength here

Sooner or later, we will meet, hug and cry together.
Maybe sooner than I expected.

Love,
Yours