Saturday, August 25, 2012

Who are you again?

We always know that, Allah knows us more than we do right? But its a little confusing when there is too much of yourself that you barely know? Hence toughen the process of taaruf with yourself.

The questions linger At the back of my head, and gets bigger each time.

Who are you?
What is inside you?
What is your true colour?
What is your true feeling?

Now some might say, I am living in hypocrisy but alas, this is not hypocrite, its that small feeling inside you that suddenly echoes questioning things that you have thought you had knew since the day you were born. Gosh I feel terrible and messy.

Wait, inhale and exhale.
Yes I am 21 years old this year, big enough to decide my own future.

Oh Allah, help me *whispers*

Alhamdulillah, it still the month of syawal, the month of happiness, and smiles and laughters heard here and there.
But somehow I think i have done cruelty to myself, my tarbiyyah dzatiyyah is lowering just like how the smartphones battery get drained with the addition of forgetting to bring back the charger, so the phone is kind of useless, and  worried i might turn into those useless smartphones!

Bagaimana dengan perkembangan tarbiyyah anda sepanjang cuti? apakah yang anda lakukan untuk recharge iman anda?

Yang saya tahu dan sedar, saya sudah rindu biah mesir.But it doesnt mean that i am excited to return back because Im still getting to know my family members and i feel the sparks this year between them is different compared the last time I left them to come to Egypt.

And thus, due to this, I want to get to know myself.To be able to decide things that are related to my future.

i dont want to do things bluntly and influenced by others. 

There is too many things that I want, have I given enough or even more to Him the Provider?

may Allah forgive me if i am complaining too much with life 

Rabbana dzalamna anfusana wa illam taghfirlana warhamna lanakunanna minal khasirin
ameen Ya Rabb!

Thursday, August 9, 2012

Ramadan: The last 10 Days, Itikaf and Laylatul Qadr - Shaykh Yusuf Estes

| the seekers

Ramadhan has reached its third phase, 

while me? Still stagnant and unproductive :(

I continue sinning and repenting, its like a spinning turbo, or a AC circuit, not knowing where to go but turning up and down accordingly,

Thats the current iman mood,

Astaghfirullah thumma astaghfirullah thumma astaghfirullah,

without consequences as I normally do, 

pouring what is deep down in my heart, 

with no certain pattern.

I do not know whether I would want to return to malaysia next year,

after all that has happened to me,

on this short yet meaningful days,

since the very day I landed,

and this bothers me,

either I just decided that for my own good, 

or am I just running away from reality?!

Currently off for Masjid Hopping or I say that the Conquest of My Soul and to seek for the Night of Lailatul Qadr,

Can I be your guest, Ya Khaliq :')

I call for Him, and He answers

All night, a man called “Allah” 
Until his lips were bleeding. 
Then the Devil said, “Hey! Mr Gullible! 
How comes you’ve been calling all night 
And never once heard Allah say, “Here, I am”? 
You call out so earnestly and, in reply, what? 
I’ll tell you what. Nothing!” 

The man suddenly felt empty and abandoned. 
Depressed, he threw himself on the ground 
And fell into a deep sleep. 
In a dream, he met Abraham, who asked, 
“Why are you regretting praising Allah?” 

The man said, “I called and called 
But Allah never replied, “Here I am.” 
Abraham explained, “Allah has said, 
“Your calling my name is My reply. 
Your longing for Me is My message to you. 
All your attempts to reach Me 
Are in reality My attempts to reach you. 
Your fear and love are a noose to catch Me. 
In the silence surrounding every call of “Allah” 
Waits a thousand replies of “Here I am.” 

—Jalaluddin Rumi, “Here I Am”