Monday, March 5, 2018

5 mac dua puluh delapan belas

Hari ini sudah memasuki bulan ketiga untuk tahun dua puluh lapan belas ni. And its the fifth month since i last sat in the examinations hall. I'm just glad I've finished my bachelor degree after nearly a decade of battle to get that piece of scroll. So now is the moment of actually reflecting and reflecting of what lies ahead of me.


Dan kan masa lapang dan syabab adalah dua entiti yang membahayakan, dan sesungguhnya aku terasa bahang itu. Sampai satu masa, diri sudah tak tertahan dan memesej murabbi untuk nasihat.

kata murabbi, awak tengah idle phase, as long as awak still ada rasa sensitiviti bahawa sesuatu itu salah atau dosa, maka keep on moving and keep on asking from Him.

keep on swimming and swimming - finding nemo
I'll try, inshaAllah.

Wednesday, September 6, 2017

Where can I find the city of shining light, In an ordinary world?
How can I leave a buried treasure behind, In an ordinary world?The days into years roll by, It's where that I live until I die, Ordinary world 
What would you wish if you saw a shooting star , In an ordinary world? I'd walk to the end of the earth and afarIn an ordinary worldBaby, I don't have much. But what we have is more than enough, Ordinary world.Where can I find the city of shining light? In an ordinary world. How can I leave a buried treasure behind? In an ordinary world.Baby, I don't have much. But what we have is more than enough. Ordinary world - green day
Life is to continue living in this ordinary world and feeling contented.
Bartleby Gaines: Nah, I'm not going to answer your question, 'cause you guys have already made up your minds. I'm an expert in rejection, and I can see it on your faces, and it's too bad that you judge us by the way we look and not by who we are, just because you want us to be more like them when the truth is we're not like them, and I am damn proud of that fact! I mean, Harmon College and their - their 100 years of tradition. But tradition of what? Of hazing kids and humiliating anyone who's a bit different? Of putting so much pressure on kids they turn into these - these stress freaks and caffeine addicts.
Dean Van Horne: Your phony school demeans real colleges everywhere!
Bartleby Gaines: Why? Why can't we both exist? Huh? You can have your grades, and your rules and your structure and your ivory towers, and then we'll do things our way. Why do we have to conform to what you want?
Dean Van Horne: Your curriculum is a joke, and you, sir, are a criminal.
Bartleby Gaines: You know what? You're a criminal. 'Cause you rob these kids of their creativity and their passion. That's the real crime! Well, what about you parents? Did -did the system really work out for you? Did it teach you to follow your heart, or to just play it safe, roll over? What about you guys? Did you always want to be school administrators? Dr. Alexander, was that your dream? Or maybe no, maybe you wanted to be a poet. Maybe you wanted to be a magician or an artist. Maybe you just wanted to travel the world. Look, I - I lied to you. I lied to all of you, and I'm sorry. Dad, especially to you. But out of that desperation, something happened that was so amazing. Life was full of possibilities, and isn't that what you ultimately want for us? As parents, I mean, is - is that, is possibilities. Well, we came here today to ask for your approval, and something just occurred to me: I don't give a shit. Who cares about your approval? We don't need your approval to tell us that what we did was real. 'Cause there are so few truths in this world, that when you see one, you just know it. And I know that it is a truth that real learning took place at South Harmon. Whether you like it or not, it did. 'Cause you don't need teachers or classrooms or - or fancy highbrow traditions or money to really learn. You just need people with a desire to better themselves, and we got that by the shit-load at South Harmon. So you can go ahead, sign your forms, reject us and shoot us down, and do whatever you gotta do. It doesn't really matter at this point, because we'll never stop learning, and we'll never stop growing, and we'll never forget the ideals what were instilled in us at our place, 'cause we are SHIT heads now, and we'll be SHIT heads forever and nothing you say can do or stamp can take that away from us, so GO! - Accepted
Mind the vulgar words in the movie, I myself ain't that keen of the repetitive swearing and cursing. But I like the concept of a college or a place of education, highlighted in the story. Where first it comes up with, what do you want to learn question, rather than you should learn this or that. And it goes on seeking the better in someone.

South harmon Institute Technology, was a fake college. Bartleby initiated to make a college because he was basically not accepted anywhere because of his flaws and lack according to each colleges' entrance.

He created a website to convince his parents it was reliable university And apparently everyone who came to this university also were't accepted anywhere because they were weirdos.

And then the story blooms each and every each of the characters inside it.

So getting accepted is to become yourself and to accept others as who they are.

Josh:  “Why do you have to take pictures of everything?”
Alex:  “Because I want to remember stuff.”
Josh:  “Try to remember stuff without the camera.” - Safe haven 

People always loathe the way I wanted to capture every moment, every second and every step of my life that i take.

How his son, Josh loathe him, I feel Alex. Memories stay carved, I know. But sometimes, you just forget. You can't help it, you can't force yourself to remember every good events, they're too much to handle. But the magical thing about pictures is, once you see them back, they ignite the good old feelings, as if you were at that moment again for a second.

Pictures do speak thousand words. Or maybe more.

Tuesday, September 5, 2017

to fly or to stay on the ground?


it's the 4 th september 2017, and it marks the start of electives, then my study leaves to wrap my medical school here with the final examinations inshaALLAH.

which means longgokan of free time, lots and lots. Which is apparently a pseudo-free time, because I AM NOT SUPPOSE TO HAVE SPARED TIME.

Ya Allah Ya Jamil,
in this beautiful season, please don't sweep my feet away from the ground with jahiliah and let me fly soaring high above the sky, lost in the cotton clouds of nowhere, not conscious where to go nor what to do.

Ya Allah, Ya Jabbar,
islah qulubana,
gravitate me with iman and taqwa.

dear soul,
do try to be beautiful,
so that Allah loves you more and more.

Tubna Ya Allah (kami bertaubat ya Allah)Wa nadimna Ya Rahman (kami menyesal ya Rahman)Wa raja’na ya Rahim (kami kembali ya Rahim)Irhamna Ya Rabbana (rahmatilah kami wahai Tuhan kami)

Thursday, August 3, 2017

you are what you read

I was relentless enjoying myself with books recently. I was reading quite a number of it, because if a drew a graph, it was not plateau. It actually gave me a new life. i completely felt like someone given a second chance to live. These books, opened me up in many dimensions. It tells me about the reality of lives, about sacrifice for the sake of love, how a human when entangled with healthy surrounding, would also grow happily, would return to the Lord who created the world and mankind.

and to quote some, in one of an autobiography book written by anfaal saari, a figure who i actually look up to when it comes to dakwah and tarbiyah, she was writing about how she really loved to read.

Saya akui adakalanya saya tenggelam dalam keindahan kata,konsep idea dan tulisan penulis, tapi gagal menterjemahkannya ke alam realiti. Perkara ini sering ditegur oleh Ammar. Akhirnya, isi kandungan buku bukan semata ilmu yang diserap masuk ke dalam akal dan jiwa kita, tetapi kita perlu perhatikan kesan daripada pembacaan buku tersebut terhadap realiti kehidupan kita. Kita boleh membaca sepuluh buah buku atau lebih dalam sebulan, tetapi bagaimanakah ilmu dari buku itu kita terjemahkan dalam kehidupan? Malah kita juga tidak perlu bersetuju 100% dengan penulis dan boleh melakukan contestation of idea pada buku tersebut - bahagia bukan gembira, anfaal saari

 The words were simple, yet mind-blowing. ter'automatic' kompas setting diri, niat membaca. memang betul membaca itu budaya sihat. ia sudah lama termaktub dalam kitab yang menjadi panduan hidup mukmin, Iqra, bismirabbika khalaq! maka, kita kena lihat, each time we read, either a page or a chapter or the whole book, apa ibrah yang kita boleh ambil dan apply dalam hidup.

seorang yang faham erti bahasa dan sastera, cerminannya boleh dilihat pada budi bahasa - prof muhammad haji salleh
Dari pembacaan ini jugalah, sebenarnya menghasilkan akhlak. apa yang kita tonjolkan adalah from what we feed ourself.  malah untuk beramal itu, apatah jikalau kita nak amal itu dikira, sudah tentu kita kena beramal soleh. maka perlu ada pada ilmu.

dan sebahagiaan ilmu itu kita peroleh dari membaca. pembacaan demi pembacaan akan membuat penguasaan kita tentang sesuatu ilmu itu makin bertambah, bukanlah menidakkan wasilah lain seperti ceramah atau talks tetapi kadang tak semua ilmu ada dalam youtube atau disebut dalam ceramah/tazkirah. maka saat itu, peranan pencarian bahan bacaan penting untuk kita menambah kefahaman dan menguatkan keyakinan.

In another book, or cerpen written by hlovate, garpu dan camca, also captured my attention where there was debate between two people , regarding the types of reading one should read.

said a guy,

those kind of books that solely play with emotions of the readers and nothing else, it has no purpose! Like Sparks! Of plots that revolve around who is going to end up with whom, that you can totally tell from the first page! And the roller coaster of emotions and romantic notions...pure rubbish and a waste of time!
a reply from another guy in this story,
I personally think reading is so much like eating. popcorn and junk food are bad for health, but thats what people like most, anyway. If they tend to take too much sugar overdose, well...they'll get cavities.So do something to ensure that the consumption is well-balanced 
 Go and pick-up Tolstoy's and cikgu shanon;s for some slap of reality for the carb. grab unman twang's and coleridgre or words worth's works to enjoy the beauty of language, work and poetry for protein. make some time for the articles in Times or newsweek because they are equivalent to vitamins and minerals to keep you check. And you only need some small amount of sugar and and the whatever minor nutrients that we need less, buts still need nonetheless. And this is the part where you grab some light reading. Like popcorn, light novels pun ada sustenance even sesudu. Once in a while is okay, but don't make it your staple diet
but no matter how objective i made it looked like before, reading is also as subjective as enjoying a painting. Different individuals has different interpretations of what they see, hear, and taste. Beauty and quality lie in the eyes of the beholder.
people ada intrepretation senderi. Some find books insightful, quirky, or life changing and others might find them as depends on the kind of person you really are. of what you want, and what you want to find. 
The dialogs were not in a consequence, but putting it together, my message was, to actually start reading books, from books that capture your heart first, so at least orang kata, dah start engine, hati dah suka. Perlahan-lahan, kita mencari dan memilih buku-buku yang lebih membuah kan fikiran yang dynamic. but it takes time,

bak kata Yani, in the very same book,
take some time to breathe.Take one step at a time. Even a pearl is not culture overnight. It took months and years to change the sand grain, same goes with the change of mentality. 
dulu, my genre was only chic-lit or so called romance. if not, i could finish a book. but after i found the right one, i couldn't stop myself from reading and slowly it developed to many genres. and i hope, it never will though.

thus, i end myself with kak anfaal's quote,

you are what you read. maka, pilihlah bacaan yang sihat, bukan sekadar mengisi masa lapang dan terbang di awangan dunia imaginasasi. Pilihlah bacaan yang mengangkat kita menjadi ulul albab; golongan yang membaca,berfikir, menterjemahkannya menjadi amal dan akhirnya tunduk kerdil melihat kebesaran-Nya lalu semakin mendekat dengan Pencipta.

I hope myself clear to my very own self. And semoga terus membaca dan membaca hingga ke jannah!

flames of fire

Jika disebut tentang musim, secara amnya, ada musim bunga, panas, luruh dan sejuk. Di mesir pula, secara amnya ada dua yang dominan, iaitu musim sejuk dan panas, tapi di antara dua musim itu, akan terselit musim bunga. Dan pada waktu ini, bunga akan mekar seindah pawana, hingga ia turut mencuit hati yang lara untuk tidak terus tenggelam dalam luka, ataupun ia mampu menguntumkan sebuah senyuman ke atas makhluk yang bernama manusia.

Dan saat aku menulis ini, aku sedang melalui musim panas. 

Musim panas sangat digemari oleh diri ini, sebab Sang Suria seolah-olah beaming happily sehingga ia menghantar bahang panas ke seluruh tempat. Boleh cecah 40 degrees! I like being in a warm and sunny area. It enlightens your day! Lebih-lebih lagi di Mesir, musim ini menjadi pilihan hati rakyat, untuk berkelah dan berjemur di tepi pantai Kornish bersama keluarga yang tersayang.

ahh, bakal aku rindu suasana ini.

Tapi bukan ini semua yang nak menjadi pilihan pokok pembicaraan hari ini. Saya berpendapat, apabila kita bercakap tentang panas, ia simbolik kepada api.

and if we look into it deeper, api adalah asal usual iblis, makhluk ego itu!

a few days back, an ukht approached me and asked, 

"akk, kenapa dalam whatsapp akk respond macam tu, akk 'panas' ya?"

sambil tertunduk aku balas,

"agak 'panas'lah, akk pun tak tahu kenapa, tapi akk takleh terima respond dia macam tu"

jawab dia tenang,

"sabar ya kak".

Ceritanya, I was in a conversation, and i responded not really cool, I gave a not so nice emoji, and someone told me off. well sort of told me off, but i was pissed of, thus i replied back in a manner questioning her back whether my action was so bad. but then again, it wasn't cool at all and it only made me look dumber. 

all in all, another ukht who was silently reading our conversation, asked me personally, similar to what I told above.

Indeed, at that time I feel a sense of dissatisfying, or 'panas" I would automatically lose patient and if I couldn't get a grip of myself, I would say unnecessary things.

ridiculous right?!

it is, these few days, I easily get annoyed and 'panas' and slowly its affecting my relationship with humans. I can easily dismiss those who I disagree with, which is totally not parallel to the theme, 

fasobrun jamil.

Perasaan panas, sebenarnya suatu perasaan yang bakar hati, and it sometimes bakal rational, and kita kan bertindak terburu-buru ikut emosi.

takut saja, panas itu mendekati kita dengan makhluk yang seusul dengan nya, malah kita berkawan, berfikir dan berbicara seperti makhluk itu.

tak nak, bukan?!

Dan sebenarnya, siraman terbaik waktu hati di bakar api benci, adalah siraman iman yang sabar. Moga terus dikurnia nikmat sabar itu. sabar hingga ke syurga.