Torn apart, blown away by the storm

 Salam to all, 

Lets start of with a quote, 

“Your best friend is the one who: seeing him reminds you of Allah, speaking to him increases your knowledge, and his actions remind you of the hereafter.” (Al-Muhasibi)

I have some inner and outer crisis going on now. Have you ever felt you loved someone and yet you are showing it badly and the loved ones are going in the opposite direction ? 

Thats exactly how I feel now. I feel terrible today. I realise that I have weird ways to show how I love and care for people, and sometimes I just give all the wrong signs,because my words say something my heart disagree. I am dishonest with myself.

The thing is, I have this circle of girls that I love and have cherished since our housemanship era. They have been with me through thick and thin, and they are RAW. I have not mixed with much people since college, my surrounding has always been those yang saling menasihati or saling membaiki, and somehow sometimes i just feel its too good to be true. But with these raw girls, i feel different.They say whatever they think or want, be it cursing or cynics, they where whatever they like, they linger themselves with whoever they think makes them feel comfortable. 

They accepted me, my quirky behaviours and the way that I am in my lowest phase of life, and I sincerely have accepted them to nd they are certainly dear to me. 

And now almost one year knowing each other, I somewhat feel different,I think we are somewhat becoming drifted apart, from our true self, drifted from our friendship and worse, drifted from Allah. I sometimes do not feel content. 

I keep pointing the blame to them and little did I know, that the blame is also, on ME. 

I am sad when I hear you're slowly releasing the hijab from you, slowly letting in bukan mahram into your house. Relying on people more than yourself. 

I am sad when I was supposed to not let you come near me, I let you in. 

I am sad whenever you puff, I stare or I pass it by as if its nothing because you just hate people not minding their own business. 

I am sad when I just let you do whatever you want when its not right. 

I know guys, I am bad. This puts a chunk soaring my throat and a lump in my heart. I am not honest because I am scared you guys will leave me. Being half dishonest because I thought this would save my friendship.

And thus now, I know that its not a matter of judging others religiously, but embracing those we love and holding hands to walk to Jannah, our greatest aim. We do chose who we want to be, and we together strive towards being someone better right? 

The question is , am I strong to be firm and steadfast?

maafkanlah, duhai cinta,

ku tak bisa membuatmu bahagia 

kerana ku lemah dan tak berdaya dan tak sempurna, 

biarkanlah orang berkata

genggam aku, tetap setia 

jalani hidup dengan cinta

ku tak akan pernah menyesal hidup dengan mu

aqeelah, please be true to yourself and others from now(whispers me to my dearest self)