amalgamation of thoughts

I just realised,I sometimes, I don't write from my heart,I write what I know,and that is what bugs me, I thought I poured out what I felt,instead I spilled out what I knew,so when it reached the time,I didn't know,I couldn't dig a thing out. I need to start feeling again. And I felt some part of it since the jaulah to Tanta. I met Islam again,I met akhawat,I met her which gave a big impression to my whole emotion that day. How I hope that I really convinced my heart, that I am for Allah.I serve my Lord and I am willing to do anything for Him.Anything,inshaAllah. p/s Down here, I wanted to scribble that I am wanting to enter an RI yet I fear emotions will out rule tarbiyyah.I know tarbiyyah should outweigh the other,but as a human being that is not flawless, I can't help myself can I? That is why,before i feel complete attached to them,i should keep my heads down and start figuring some things out,Oh Lord,May you ease our way. Our road to Jannah.

Denial is a horrible place to live in,and that is exactly where I am.Denying all sorts of things around me that i have to encounter and besides, I just realised,my biggest inferior is myself,and I keep hovering behind my own shadows,afraid to leap out,afraid to make a change.I hate decision-making which is weird enough for a 21-year old lady, and I depend too much on people. Thats why,when I lean on them,and they run off,I fall and I can only let tears out instead of standing up again. Lean on Him , that struck me the moment I realised I was busy moping on unnecessary issues.Yes Him!And for all this while, I have been sleeping in daylight, or day dreaming in class.Being totally alone,kept me thinking, I need some space,I am suffocating yet there's nothing that can be a help unless I help myself. Waking up a sleeping giant is nearly impossible,but turning over a new leaf and realising what you're doing is twice harder.I rarely put myself in other's shoes when other'