Its after midnight, so I'll use the term last night to refer the hours before midnight struck.
Last night, was a quiet night. No meetings. No usrahs. No gather ups. Nothing. And I remained silent doing nothing. Until the night ended.
I realized it was such a waste of time because I wanted to fill it with many things, getting prepared for usrah with mutarabbi, preparing for my own usrah with murabbi, making sure that the lay out of work until Opick's night is smooth and I wanted to study. But I didn't do anything. Partly, because I was bothered. The other half was because I was pondering how little time I have for myself right now and yet I still cannot manage my life as a daie.
Right, did I mention I was bothered?
Indeed I was. For some times now, I feel empty. But don't misunderstand, this is not futur. My usrah is going on as usual. Meetings are done once a while. Usrah with mutarabbi are done frequently. Easy said, inshaAllah sentiasa mengisi diri.
Like I once heard an akh say,
untuk memberi kenalah mengisi.
Lalu cuba istiqamah agar diri sentiasa terisi. Tapi pelik kenapa perasaan tidak excited tetap datang menghinggap?
Bersemangat tapi kosong. Melaju tapi lesu. Menerima lalu memberi tapi kelu.
Bukan yang dulunya bersemangat dan memancarkan semangat itu. Bukan yang dulunya melaju dengan tangkasnya untuk mengubah diri. Bukan yang dulunya berkobar-kobar mencari dan memberi dengan penuh rasa cinta kepada akhawati yang disayangi.
Tapi kenapa sekarang tidak?
Suddenly, I remembered my old naqibah once said,
Kiki, jaga Qiam, dapatkan kekuatan hakiki, jangan tertipu dengan kekuatan palsu dari hawa nafsu.
Kekuatan sebenar dai'e adalah dari Allah, kekuatan yang abadi. Andai tidak di minta dari Sang Pemberi Kekuatan masakan dapat kekuatan itu. Sekalipun tidak istiqamah qiam tetapi terasa di beri kekuatan, awas, takut kekuatan itu kekuatan palsu dari hawa nafsu.
And that is the truth, I don't think I'm even trying to wake up for Qiam nor even putting efforts to do so, thus I feel the 'strength' fading slowly. I easily get exhausted. I think I talk a lot of dakwah but I 'compensate' it by still increasing the level of unnecessary gossips. I feel dry whenever I do my self tadabbur sessions. When people share with me words of wisdoms for Allah, Rasulullah, the sahabat, I don't get touched and worse, I register it as knowledge.
Its just as if, superman is not anymore super, or incredible hulk is just not incredible at all.
A slight loss yet giving such big impact.
Qiam yang sedikit tapi kekuatan hakiki.
Again, feeling as if being slapped for so many time, I fear, when words get louder than action, then during the Day of Judgement, On that weighing scale of Mizan, my actions are lighter than feather!
I was pondering about the heart, bukan main lagi semester kali ini belajar cardiovascular system, tapi sangat rugi kalau tak berhenti sejenak dan memikirkan ciptaan Allah yang hebat.
The size of our fist. Has nodal tissues on it that act as the pacemaker. Pumps the blood to the whole body by to supply oxygen. Otherwise, if come through complications, it may face infacrtions. Thus lead to failure of the heart. Fatal.
To feel something, we must feel by our heart.
To see something, we must see through our heart.
To listen something, we must hear with our heart.
To know Allah, know using our heart.
If a heart becomes attached to other than Allah, Allah makes him dependant on what he is attached to it and he will be betrayed by it - Ibn Qayyim
My heart is at lost. Please make du'a so that it finds its way back, T-T
Teringat a couple of months before, I messaged with ifah, asking her whether she thinks whether I'm stupid or not. Okay I know this is sudden, but something happened, pulled me to the verge of being inferior and called myself stupid. Thats why I asked ifah the blunt question. She answered,
You're not stupid, you just don't think. Qeelah selalu terima and intuitively react, rather than thinking things through,
Matters over mind".
Its difficult when you become heartless,but its even harder when you become mindless.
Reclaim your heart, revive your thoughts.