commotions of the heart

I know I should be happy of you,you're great at everything,but the weird thing is,deep down inside,i don't feel that excitement.Maybe you could see the insincerity if you look deeply inside me,but then again everyone is happy of you.So why shouldn't I?

The feeling creeps in every inch of my body and it bothers me.I'm a person with an infinite perception,and I know its bad to give bad perceptions,su'uzhon,but I merely do it without realising it.I'm sorry again.Iknow you deserve it and Allah has planned this for you,so congratulations anyway.

But it doesnt make my day anyway :(.I don't feel miserable but I feel terrible as a daughter.I've never been a good daughter since I was small until now.The aqeelah you see now is full changes since you've all just known me temporarily.Now I know the reason why my siblings dislike my personality is because of my evergreen 'bossy'ness and my furious temper!They've known me since small and you don't.I think I've changed but I haven't.

I'm aware of the shaytan bothering me from the front,from the back,from left and from right,but sometimes I never even put in effort to shield myself from it.Astaghfirullah.And to say I fall for shaytan's whispers?No way!

So,here I am,trying to clarify my feelings,and I realise,I never open up my true self to people,there's too much things going on throughout my presence on earth for the past two decades.How I lead my life before tarbiyyah will always be in the hands of Allah,insyaAllah.He knows every teeny weeny bit.

So I guess I need to move on,this da'wah path is not as simple as mentioning it,you have to do it.And you have to be aware,sometimes people around you don't understand you,so you only have Allah with you,and He will definitely stay with you.

O Allah,the Kind one,please stay by my side be it I stay strong as al adiyat or as weak as the weeds draping out of the pot.With You,there is peace.