I don't know why,but I feel it too.A2 is months to go,but I feel that I am near the verge of giving up already.MashaAllah.
a lecturer once asked,
"who feels like they suit the position as a dentist?"
I rose my hand nonchalantly and I was the only one in the room to feel that way.
Oh yes,I am currently taking Alevels medicine though.
A levels - medical degree - housemanship - work as a medical officer
the pathway isn't as easy as typing it,its going to take ages! and I don't know whether I'll survive.Its painful to get exam results below fifty percent.Its choking me up when I don't get to understand stuff easily.Its suffocating me when I easily forget things.
all in all,I'm just tired of all these.
some may ask,whats wrong with you?
yes,it may seem to them and to myself that I'm facing conflicts with myself,indeed so.I'm scared of failing in exams and continue to fall and who knows I may not even have the chance to land me feet on the grounds of Agra.Even if I do,then what if I'm not able to take medicine and I don't qualify to be a doctor.do I even really want to be a one?
what if I want to give a u-turn?
ummi once said,
once you start swimming in a big ocean,just continue swimming until you reach the edge.
I hesitate and question myself the ability of myself to still play the game an continue swimming.What if I get tired and drown myself?What if my oxygen in my oxygen tank is running out? the What If questions continue haunting me until now.
Life problems are suppose to be a blip,they happen but you aren't suppose to be affected by it at all.
And then some issues start to fall out,
I am now a pedestrian.
What road am I taking?
The road to heaven.
With whom am I walking with?
Muslims out there.
How am I keeping myself from stopping?
with da'wah and ibadah as my walking shoes and al quran as my map.
Why am I taking this particular road?
To meet up with Allah the AlMighty and Rasulullah s.a.w
When will I stop?
Until my last breath.
I merely forgot the basis of my life,the reason why I'm still living on earth.I'm talking rubbish about giving up when I don't put all effort on it.I merely cry and feel lonely when I have Al-Wakil to comfort me.
So all I can say is,whats left now is to finish up A levels,to pass or not is another story,to go to India or not is also another story,being a doctor or not is one other story.Only He knows.
Tawakkal to Allah,be pure and honest to Him,He will guide you.
hasbunallah wa ni'mal Wakil
"cukuplah bagiku Allah,(Dialah) sebaik-baik tempat bersandar."
dear allah,whenever I reach some sort of deep emotions,I only have you and only you.I love you Almighty!