amalgamation of thoughts

  It was not long before we were told that Raya was going to be a day earlier than planned and it was only 29 days of Ramadan. Many were devastated as it shows that lesser time to spend with the Holy Month, some because it meant the preparation of Raya needs to be hasten.  Thus what we need now is not to decide which sadness are we, but to keep on boosting the spirit of Ramadan, most important, the 10th last nigth which meant, the night of Lailatul Qadr.  I am super super excited but I know that my spirits are being a little burn out. I am starting to have that symptoms of lack of sleep, exhausted during the day, dehydrated, taking a while to read the Quran. My duaas are jumbled i do not know which to priotize, what if i ask the wrong thing, what if i dont ask the most thing that i need and want.  And i know, this cannot be it, the virtues of Ramadan are so so much but i am just slowing down. This cannot happen (i scream my lungs out as I freak my way out) I t...

 Assalamualaikum people,  How is everybody doing?  How does it feel to reach the middle of Ramadan?  For me, this Ramadan has indeed been personal for me.  It has indeed made me fall in love again.  In love with the One who deserves to be Loved and who has been Loving us all, all these while,  He is Alwadud. Now as context, its approaching my second year pacing myself in Borneo. And it has come to me that the time has been indeed fast, like the winds in the winter weather breezing pass by and the coolness of the weather has been embracing me till I can feel it in my bones.  Now I look back in my dusty blog, posts that I keep on the shelves as drafts are piling up. I just do not have that muse or that pushing factor to write. I just do not feel like I want and need to write again.  No one reads it anyway, no one bothers anyway. And then again my heart whispers, are you writing for the sake of humans? Are you wanting acknowledgment from humans ...

 Hello there,  Today marks a new starting point for me especially since I am currently pressing my hands on a  keypad of my very own laptop *squeals with excitement* I have been so long dreaming and longing for this day to come, the day where I can breathe in a new atmosphere where  I can own a laptop again, since my very loyal white MacBook in 2009 has been serving me but it has met into halts somehow during 2017, and I have been alone since then. Thus now I have a very dear belonging that I hope serves me well as well as my previous laptop, so welcome to my very new MacBook Air :)  Currently I am certainly in cloud nine and my fingers are happily dancing on their own.  Dear God, May I use this new belonging well and for the sake of you.  04122022           

Its just moments till Ramadan. Blinking away and then the next thing you know it its already the fasting month.  Today I decided to take a morning stroll and I was mesmerized by the sunshine showering its spread of ray on Akinabalu and its surrounding. Along the way I was listening to Ed Sheeran’s latest duet with Taylor Swift, The Joker and the queen. I was swooned with the song and the part where they sang,  I know, you think that what makes a king is gold,  A palace and diamond rings.  It struck me, I always knew things like diamonds or golds has always grabbed people’s attention, usually because our eyes are drawn to those glittery and shimmery jewels besides the value of them which is indeed high. People would do anything just to own gold, or to live in a palace and wear expensive jewelleries, but the big question mark is, is it the ultimatum of happiness?  Because know that these are things that does not last, unlike our personalities and our hearts, a gol...

 Today.  Marks a day that I am still given the opportunity to live. To still tell tales, and to make my own self changes.  Yesterday I was looking up on the butterfly effect, and Ashton kutcher played so well as Evan treborn, who kept trying to return back to his past life to change what he thinks could result in something better, but everytime he tried to change an event, he would end up hurting each one of the people that existed in his life that he loved. Until a scene was between his father where his father said, we are not God, we can't fix things.  Which is true, no matter how hard we try to do something, that particular action would turn into a something either it will do good to us or others.  So, what can we do?  Thats where it comes, fikir dulu sebelum cakap or istikharah and ask god, seek from him hidayah in our actions, because we humans were born with full blown limitations, but God did not create us hanging, he gave us brains to think, a body ...

Hi, I am contract medical officer, with no guarantee of a permanent post. Hence hashtag hartaldoktorkontrak comes in. On this day, I was at home due to home quarantine,  i am not sure if i wasn't quarantined, would I be among those marching out from wokrplace? In my area as I work in a health clinic in district area, those in contract post are minorities,  so I know i'll be working,  BUT, I know I support my colleagues doing the strike because we do have the rights,  we have been fighting behind the curtains for so long,  and once this opportunity is given, we go for it, I am certain I am not someone with a very aggressive who speaks out loud eventhough its to say the truth,  i am quite of a hesitant, i am quite of indecisive person, I am not a spirit fighter,  I am not saying that I am not scared of the future,  but I know when I have the rights, I will fight for that,  and I know to put on a proper fight, we need to be prepared, with a gaun...

 Salam to all,  Lets start of with a quote,  “Your best friend is the one who: seeing him reminds you of Allah, speaking to him increases your knowledge, and his actions remind you of the hereafter.” (Al-Muhasibi) I have some inner and outer crisis going on now. Have you ever felt you loved someone and yet you are showing it badly and the loved ones are going in the opposite direction ?  Thats exactly how I feel now. I feel terrible today. I realise that I have weird ways to show how I love and care for people, and sometimes I just give all the wrong signs,because my words say something my heart disagree. I am dishonest with myself. The thing is, I have this circle of girls that I love and have cherished since our housemanship era. They have been with me through thick and thin, and they are RAW. I have not mixed with much people since college, my surrounding has always been those yang saling menasihati or saling membaiki, and somehow sometimes i just feel its too goo...

A little throwback to cov-eid 2021. I am so blessed to be able celebrate the fiesta with them, to pray solat sunat raya, to hear abah's khutbah, to eat ketupat, lemang and rendang, nasi impit kuah kacang with our signature dish nasi dagang ikan tongkol.  We then had our annual photoshoot with ahmad leading the way, hence took so many pictures for keepsakes. Pity this time, hannah was grumpy halfway through the photoshoot. She is going to regret it nanti bila tengok balik gambar.  That sums up our raya and its content enough for our cosy small family,  Nowadays the case are rising and my predictions is it might take months before i get to meet them again. Now how disheartening is that? Stay safe everyone! back from left : una, maryam, me and uun(adik ali) front from left : ahmad, ummi, abah, ifah, hannah and ali From left : una, ummi, ifah, hannah, maryam and me

 Hi and assalamualaikum ,  Where should I start? Well currently my housemate was just detected positive COVID for the second time. And yes she , well us the households are all vaccinated, thank god! So what does this indicate?  It means i am a PUI(person under investigation) thus i need to be quarantined to a certain period of time before i am considered COVID-free despite negative COVID swabs. Now, How do I feel? Scared of course! Scared that I might have one and health-wise post COVID is no joke to the body.With mixed feelings as my quarantine means lesser healthcare workers at clinic and that needs replacement here and there, which is actually a hassle. My swab was taken yesterday(23/7/2021) but the results still aren't out yet. So I am kind of having some palpatation due to this.  However, there is this small lingering relief feeling, as I haven't completely rested since I started my work since Raya. I think my body has been working 7 days a week and it reached t...

She stared at the sky profoundly. It was immensely beautiful how it was painted with blue violet streaks. She hummed to herself ‘what a wonderful world’ enjoying the breeze while she wrapped herself with her arms and enjoying every second. It has been a while since the pandemic that is gruesomely taking lives and bringing the whole country into utmost misery, she could barely empty her mind and she almost felt suffocated. But she wanted to have one moment for herself, to reflect back and to stay composed. It was nearly dusk, she realized now the sky has painted itself amber orange. It was almost time to go back to her safe haven however her mind lingered back to her past memories. What is better than gold? She looked at him and paused, life maybe, while shrugging her shoulders. He let out a spontaneous laugh but held it back with a cough. She let out a frown but tilted her head trying to rack her brain, A pure heart, he said with his slow raspy voice,  Both are hard...

 Hi Everyone and Assalamualaikum,  As I write this, I am currently entering my 22nd Ramadan 1442, and it has almost been 2 months since I have been posted in Sabah.  So what does this indicate ? 1. Alhamdulillah, it marks the end of my housemanship, the one that I have been dreading to complete, but a post I would be pleading to stay. 2. I have now officially stepped up to a much burdensome position of a medical officer though still in the nuisance system of contract, despite being underpaid, we sure still have the abundant of responsibilities.  3. I am still unattached from any form of relationships. Be it temporary or permanent, thus explains why I have been sent to a faraway land, nope not in neverland, but yes land.Okay that was a lame dad's joke but yes, it means the government could particularly trash me anywhere they like. or lets piut it this way, they have put me somewhere where there is in need of doctors, be it rural or town.  4. It means being farawa...

Smiles and laughters,  Are certainly the symphony of life,  Bringing joy and hope,  To a humans soul.  Hush hush go away,  Evil eyes and devils tear,  Bringing misery and doomsday,  To a dead soul .  Our prophet ibrahim,  Went through sacrifice,  One after another,  To prove the love of a soul to its Lord.  Eid ul adha,  Comes and go,  Year after another,  Does it enlighten us this year? 

Hi all, its me again(while sweeping dust and cobwebs of this blog). Its the 3rd day of raya aidil adha, 2nd day of august and still the days of tasyriq. Alhamdulillah, this year i managed to celebrate the month at home with my family again. Even though im a house officer and there are those outside who have to cover the floor to work on holidays like this, but God gave me the chance to have a break. Actually bila fikir balik, there is always a chance during my 2 years of working, I manage to squeeze in to celebrate it at home , syukur ya allah. Now we were at the loving room. As usual it was a place to talk about everything under the sun(besides the dining table that is). Anyway ummi was fondling her new Iwatch she got for her birthday, abah was on his favourite sofa scrolling his phone, maryam was on the floor, lying down minding the ceiling, and me and una was scrolling the phone too(oops, socializing in our own ways). i suddenly stopped and gave out a remark of how i think im ag...

Its midnight. And my eyes aren’t yet droopy. Probably because today is my off day thus i had plenty of time to rest. But im tired of myself. Tired upon realising how laid back i am this ramadan, and by the time i come to my senses, ramadan dah nak habis. I still remember i came across one poster my best friend shared about not to make this ramadan a hunger strike, only not eating and drinking. But not enough additional good deeds done 🙇🏻‍♀️. I must say this Ramadan is unique as its mco(movement control order). We have currently gone through restriction of movement due to a spread of a novel virus, coronavirus or now known as covid 19. Its pandemic and spreads globally to fast that the whole world had to go under certain quarantine to reduce spread. So all mass gatherings had to be withheld, kenduri, meetings, out and about to restaurants, malls etc was restricted. Including all religious gatherings. Thus ending up in a very quiet ramadan. Sudah lama tak tengok people berkerumujnfor s...

why do I keep wanting to look at him. It must be an instinct, a basic instinct. Our eyes are alwasy drawn to pretty things. It doesn't mean we have affection for them. We just can't help but stare at them. Instinctually, that is. My ID is gangnam beauty, Ep 8

Retrospective Entry on the 1st of December 2018 First poster and first tagger Bangun super duper lambat, thumb printed at 8.21 yet kena ada pada 8.15. My heart nearly stopped beating. That feeling was mixed with shock and frustration, I had a nerve wrecking feeling that my life has ended. What if they kick me out because I was super duper late? Impulsively, I didnt take any bath, I was just able to wash my face thus straightaway ran to pejabat pakar, we had to be there for briefings. Sighed with relief, belum start lagi briefings.Then by the time jumpa PA medical, Dr Kumutha(medical sp) and leaders, at that time Khai and Nabilla, we could buy some more time to relax thus i took a shower and properly prepared my bag(mind you at that time, I just lived next door, I stayed in the hostel) I Went back to work at 12 pm. Medical department, ward 10C. Many blood takings. Just too much. Because it was a dengue ward, so we had to take the patients blood according to the phase of dengue...

Hari ini sudah memasuki bulan ketiga untuk tahun dua puluh lapan belas ni. And its the fifth month since i last sat in the examinations hall. I'm just glad I've finished my bachelor degree after nearly a decade of battle to get that piece of scroll. So now is the moment of actually reflecting and reflecting of what lies ahead of me. Hmmm Dan kan masa lapang dan syabab adalah dua entiti yang membahayakan, dan sesungguhnya aku terasa bahang itu. Sampai satu masa, diri sudah tak tertahan dan memesej murabbi untuk nasihat. kata murabbi, awak tengah idle phase, as long as awak still ada rasa sensitiviti bahawa sesuatu itu salah atau dosa, maka keep on moving and keep on asking from Him. keep on swimming and swimming - finding nemo I'll try, inshaAllah.

Where can I find the city of shining light,  In an ordinary world? How can I leave a buried treasure behind,  In an ordinary world? The days into years roll by,  It's where that I live until I die,  Ordinary world   What would you wish if you saw a shooting star ,  In an ordinary world?  I'd walk to the end of the earth and afar In an ordinary world Baby, I don't have much.  But what we have is more than enough,  Ordinary world. Where can I find the city of shining light?  In an ordinary world.  How can I leave a buried treasure behind?  In an ordinary world. Baby, I don't have much.  But what we have is more than enough.  Ordinary world - green day Life is to continue living in this ordinary world and feeling contented.

Bartleby Gaines : Nah, I'm not going to answer your question, 'cause you guys have already made up your minds. I'm an expert in rejection, and I can see it on your faces, and it's too bad that you judge us by the way we look and not by who we are, just because you want us to be more like them when the truth is we're not like them, and I am damn proud of that fact! I mean, Harmon College and their - their 100 years of tradition. But tradition of what? Of hazing kids and humiliating anyone who's a bit different? Of putting so much pressure on kids they turn into these - these stress freaks and caffeine addicts. Dean Van Horne : Your phony school demeans real colleges everywhere! Bartleby Gaines : Why? Why can't we both exist? Huh? You can have your grades, and your rules and your structure and your ivory towers, and then we'll do things our way. Why do we have to conform to what you want? Dean Van Horne : Your curriculum is a joke, and you, sir, ar...

Josh:  “Why do you have to take pictures of everything?” Alex:  “Because I want to remember stuff.” Josh:  “Try to remember stuff  without  the camera.”  - Safe haven  People always loathe the way I wanted to capture every moment, every second and every step of my life that i take. How his son, Josh loathe him, I feel Alex. Memories stay carved, I know. But sometimes, you just forget. You can't help it, you can't force yourself to remember every good events, they're too much to handle. But the magical thing about pictures is, once you see them back, they ignite the good old feelings, as if you were at that moment again for a second. Pictures do speak thousand words. Or maybe more.