amalgamation of thoughts

We always know that, Allah knows us more than we do right? But its a little confusing when there is too much of yourself that you barely know? Hence toughen the process of taaruf with yourself. The questions linger At the back of my head, and gets bigger each time. Who are you? What is inside you? What is your true colour? What is your true feeling? Now some might say, I am living in hypocrisy but alas, this is not hypocrite, its that small feeling inside you that suddenly echoes questioning things that you have thought you had knew since the day you were born. Gosh I feel terrible and messy. Wait, inhale and exhale. Yes I am 21 years old this year, big enough to decide my own future. Oh Allah, help me *whispers* Alhamdulillah, it still the month of syawal, the month of happiness, and smiles and laughters heard here and there. But somehow I think i have done cruelty to myself, my tarbiyyah dzatiyyah is lowering just like how the smartphones battery get drained with the

Ramadhan has reached its third phase,  while me? Still stagnant and unproductive :( I continue sinning and repenting , its like a spinning turbo, or a AC circuit, not knowing where to go but turning up and down accordingly, Thats the current iman mood, Astaghfirullah thumma astaghfirullah thumma astaghfirullah, without consequences as I normally do,  pouring what is deep down in my heart,  with no certain pattern. I do not know whether I would want to return to malaysia next year, after all that has happened to me, on this short yet meaningful days, since the very day I landed, and this bothers me, either I just decided that for my own good,  or am I just running away from reality?! Currently off for Masjid Hopping or I say that the Conquest of My Soul and to seek for the Night of Lailatul Qadr, Can I be your guest, Ya Khaliq :')

All night, a man called “Allah”  Until his lips were bleeding.  Then the Devil said, “Hey! Mr Gullible!  How comes you’ve been calling all night  And never once heard Allah say, “Here, I am”?  You call out so earnestly and, in reply, what?  I’ll tell you what. Nothing!”  The man suddenly felt empty and abandoned.  Depressed, he threw himself on the ground  And fell into a deep sleep.  In a dream, he met Abraham, who asked,  “Why are you regretting praising Allah?”  The man said, “I called and called  But Allah never replied, “Here I am.”  Abraham explained, “Allah has said,  “Your calling my name is My reply.  Your longing for Me is My message to you.  All your attempts to reach Me  Are in reality My attempts to reach you.  Your fear and love are a noose to catch Me.  In the silence surrounding every call of “Allah”  Waits a thousand replies of “Here I am.”  —Jalaluddin Rumi, “Here I Am”