amalgamation of thoughts

I feel doomed, not because the world has been unfair, nor because its been in misery. Though the chaos of paris attack, and the on going palestine attack indeed moved emotions, how could we not pray for them our siblings bonded by aqidah. Well, as the saying goes, jihad yang paling besar, is jihad melawan hawa nafsu. And again and again I keep repeating these silly mistakes. There was once, i decided to sleep over at a junior's apartment, and being the friendly daie, i decided to talk to them and bermuayashah as we say with them, till beyond midnight. Thus it lead us all waking up very late, sipi-sipi nak masuk subuh and to add it on, the junior woke me up for fajr prayer instead of supposedly being that daie i was holding, i was the one who should have stirred the rest >.<  In another situation, i was the laid back senior, being among the elders in the batch, i chilled most of the time. And recently, i have been continuously and repeatedly turning up for classes VERY late or

"Kenapa awak seorang diri?" Tanya sang murabbi. "Sebab tiada yang lain" , jawab saya mencuba sepenuh hati utk tidak berloyar buruk. Angguk sang murabbi perlahan. "Untuk berapa orang ni?" Sambungnya lagi. "50 orang awak" Matanya terbeliak, sepi menyatu. Saya menyambung kembali membuang kulit lobak merah dengan peeler kesayangan di dapur. Sang murabbi pantas keluar dari dapur yang hening tersebut dan menuju bilik. Sang murabbi sedang menghadapai peperiksaan akhir tahun. Tidak lama lagi dia bakal menjadi seroang graduan doktor. Maka tidak pelik untuk semua yang berada di tahun akhir ini, untuk terus berkurung di dalam bilik dan bertapa di situ dan belajar bagai tiada hari esok.  Selang beberapa minit, dia kembali masuk ke dapur dan menjerang air, lantas keluar kembali. Beberapa kali juga dia keluar masuk sebegitu sehingga habis saya mengupas sayuran dan bawang-bawang yang hendak di gunakan. Sedang saya sibuk membelek2 hasil kuoasan bawang, sekali la